For Celestia's Eyes Only
by ThanatosConnery
Summary: Something horrible is coming from the depths of space, something so corrupt that when viewed could drive anything to madness. Is it Cthulhu, Slenderman, Discord, or Charlie Sheen dressed in drag and snorting cocaine off the top of a script of Citizen Kane? Nope. It's something much, much worse. Beware Equestria, for something douchey this way comes.


"So, how are we coming with the long range receiver?" Sergeant Longbow asked.

"It's almost ready, sir!" a very tired looking Private Archer responded. "Private Bullseye is nearly finished with the last bit of hookups."

Sergeant Longbow nodded, a satisfied and somewhat relieved look coming across his face. His eyes, like Private Archer's, showed signs of fatigue. He glanced about the control room of Equestria's first long-range communications monitoring and transmission station. The rest of the five ponies who occupied the it were here, and they looked equally a fatigued as he did. This wasn't any surprise, for they had an important task at hand and were working tirelessly to make sure it was completed.

Only twenty miles south of them lie the Arachne nation of Webstein, home to countless creatures one would think only dwelled in dark caves or deep forests. However, these giant spiders were not mere beasts; they were intelligent, they were able to adapt, and they were able to plan. They were also in somewhat of a cold war with Equestria at the moment and had just recently invented radio communication. It was vital that Equestria be able to listen into what they were saying, even if their language was nothing but a series of clicks and whistles that would need to be translated.

The Sergeant nodded towards Archer. "Excellent. Let me know when it's-"

"Sergeant Longbow, sir!" a familiar voice said behind him. He turned about to face who it was, and sure enough, it was Private Bullseye, him having recently trotted through the door. "The private would like to report that the receiver is online and ready for use, sir!"

"Good. Very good! Come on ladies, let's get this million bit tax dent online! Hop two hop two! Grab some more god damned coffee if you need it, because we're not sleeping until we hear what those sissy spiders are gossiping about! Am I right, soldiers?!"

"Sir yes sir!" came the reply.

"Mhmm, damned right I am. NOW POWER THE RECEIVER!" he barked. With that, he whipped out a cigar, lit it with a bit of fire magic from his horn, and stuck it in his mouth. "All you greenhorns who wanted to hear what these nasty little bastards sound like, today's going to be your lucky day!"

"We're a listening post for Celestia's sake... does he really need to be that hardcore?" Archer mumbled to himself.

Nonetheless, he nodded at Longbow's order. With that, he quickly brought hooves to bare upon a series of controls upon the console he sat near. A second later, a small monitor engraved into the console began to show a number of readings.

Archer's bloodshot eyes scanned them.

"So, what's the word down South?" the Sergeant asked, trotting over and standing next to Archer. "Are we going to be swimming through spider guts in a few weeks?"

"First I need to pick a frequency, sir, and then we'll need Hawkeye to translate," Archer said before gesturing towards the monitor. "We're actually picking up a number of communications, though many seem to be television and radio broadcasts from Eques-" His eyes then widened slightly. "Wait, hold on... this is interesting."

"What do we have, Archer?"

"A few transmissions in the 900-1200HZ range..." he said as his expression took a more curious route.

"And this means? Layman's terms, Archer! Not all of us speak technobabble," the Sergeant said impatiently.

Archer nodded apologetically, bringing a hoof up to adjust a squarish pair of glasses that had been quietly moving downwards from his eyes. "Nopony on planet Trinity has the ability to transmit in that range."

Sergeant Longbow squinted in confusion. "Alright, so some new tech?" He then smirked slightly. "Maybe some scientist in Canterlot or the Gryphon Empire has been eating his mini-wheats."

"Mmmmm, I don't think so sir. For one, I'm picking up a LOT of transmissions on that range, like it's coming from over twenty different transmitors, and for two... I've been reading that that sort of technology won't be available for another thirty years."

Longbow grunted in annoyance. "So what are you saying, Archer? Are we picking up alien soap operas or some crap?"

Archer shrugged. "I'm not sure. The only way to find out is if we-"

"Do it," Longbow said, his eyes narrowing.

The private smiled at that. "Excellent." And then his face then lit up like a christmas tree. "Oh my gosh, what if it really is coming from an alien civilization?! We'll go down in history!"

"Contain your orgasm, private. Just make it happen!" Longbow barked.

Archer grunted in annoyance. "Yes, sir. But still, if it is aliens..." he then grinned, shaking his head slightly.

With that, he brought his hoof up to a small, vertical slider bar, his face laced with an almost unflappable amount of curiosity. Even Longbow himself had to admit that he was a bit excited as well.

"I've got the signal! I'm turning on audio and visual," Archer announced. "Who knows what sort of advanced and intelligent culture we could be tapping into right here and right now!?"

With that, a voice filled the room as well as what appeared to be some sort of wild techno music. The entire control team listened eagerly to hear the first message from the stars.

_"GET CRAZY! GET WILD! LET'S PARTY! GET WILD!"_

At the same time, what was indeed an alien popped up on the monitor of Archer's console. His eyes widened as he gazed upon the extraterrestrial, it being bipedal, having almost orangish skin, and a spiked mane. It also seemed to see fit to pop the collar on the shirt it wore. Floating aside this alien were the words, "Pauly D." Archer had no idea how he could read them.

_"I LOVE THE JERSEY SHORE!"_ a creature who seemed to be called 'Snookie' announced.

_"Aright, we got a situation!"_

_'I'm the sweetest bitch you'll ever meet!"_

_'Bahahahahahahaha!"_

_"After I have sex with a guy I'll rip his f***ing head off!"_

_"Go Baby! Go Baby! Go Baby!"_

The entire control room watched as a series of images of aliens appeared on the screen, the former being stuck in a stunned silence. It was the longest twenty seconds of their lives as what appeared to be the intro of an alien TV show played before them.

After it finished and the show actually started playing, one of the ponies in the control room finally spoke. "What the hell is this?"

Archer blinked at that statement, shaking his head in an exasperated manner. "I'm not sure..."

A beat.

"BUT THESE ALIENS ARE FREAKIN' ADORABLE!"

"Oh my gosh, yes! Look at them, they think they're so awesome. It's so cute!" Private Hawkeye cooed.

"And their manestyles are simply fabulous!" Corporal Straight Arrow chimed in.

"The private would like to announce that all of Equestria needs to know about this!" Private Bullseye yelled.

"Someone start recording! Quick, Archer! Do it!"

"Already on it!"

"By Celestia," Longbow said, an exasperated smile coming across his face as he shook his head. "Someone radio Celestia!"

* * *

Two hours later, the princess flew in by chariot, and accompanied by Luna, the two watched the alien transmission within the control room, their faces saturated in bewilderment. Apparently, a marathon of a show called 'Jersey Shore' was playing.

_"This is my house! Get out of my f***ing face,"_ 'Snookie' ordered, her yelling at an alien called 'Situation.'

_"Yo! Shut yo' mouth you dirty little hamster!"_

_"You look like Popeye on crack!"_

_"Popeye on crack?! Oh my god... How many guys do you sleep with in a twenty-four hour period?!"_

_"OK, whatever."_

Celestia shook her head in disbelief after a moment of viewing.

"So, what do you think, my princess?" Sergeant Longbow asked, him eager to find out his goddess' opinions on these creatures.

Celestia turned towards him. "Is this the only thing we're picking up from their culture?"

Longbow shook his head. "No, ma'm. We're picking up over twenty other transmissions from them."

"Good," Celestia said. "Because if this were the only thing I had to judge them by, I would say these creatures were the most vile, self-absorbed, pitiable, and materialistic beings to ever leave a stain on the folds of the universe."

The entire control room nodded at that. "Yeah, it's true. But aren't they adorable? We need to show the rest of Equestria this! It's a ground breaking discovery," Archer said after building up courage for a moment. "They're so dumb it's hilarious and it makes me feel better about myself!"

"Adorable and self-esteem boosting as they may be, I do not want my little ponies to be exposed to their... crude culture. Who knows what sort of corruption it could bring about? For now, I think it best they be kept a secret."

"Well, with all due respect your highness, like Sergeant Longbow said, this isn't the only thing we've gotten from them," Archer stated.

"Quick, show her the cooking shows," Private Hawkeye whispered, her sitting nearby.

"Did I hear cooking shows?" Celestia said, her tone becoming a bit less disdainful and a bit more interested.

Archer nodded before fiddling with a few controls.

_"Hi, Rachael Ray here! Today, we're going to be cooking something extra special that's sure to get those taste buds tingling, Danish cream puffs!"_

"Hmmm, now what's this?" Celestia asked, glancing at the monitor with a bit more eagerness. With that, all eyes fixated upon it once again. The room stood in silence as they watched the alien broadcast for a minute or so save for a minor peep by Archer.

"Good call," he whispered to Hawkeye. She threw him a quick smile that made his heart flutter.

_"All you have to do is take a cup of flour, add it to the mix! Now just add a something a little sweet not sour, a bit of salt just a pinch!"_

Celestia was nearly drooling at this point. Princess Luna brought a hoof to her mouth to contain a chuckle as she watched her sister's hypnotized gaze.

"Sweet... me! This is indeed the greatest culture in the history of everything!" Celestia finally admitted, her eyes not averting from the screen. "How in the world did we not think of cooking shows?"

The Princess of the Night quickly shrugged it off, however, and turned towards her sister. "I'm not entirely convinced we should announce their existence to the public yet, though," Luna said, folding her arms as she flapped her wings as she hovered slightly above the floor. "We still don't know anything their people aside from various clues we've extracted by viewing their television shows. Are you picking up any sort of information transmissions?"

Archer raised an eyebrow. Apparently Luna didn't watch much Equestrian television or listen to any radio. "Do you mean news broadcasts?"

"Indeed, fair private," she said.

"Well, actually... we saw what seemed to be one when we were flipping through before you arrived." He brought a hoof up to scratch the back of his neck in embarrassment. "Heh, kind of forgot which frequency though."

"Find it, if you will," Luna said.

With that, Archer nodded and brought a hoof up to change frequencies, though Celestia apparently didn't realize what was happening until it was too late.

"Wait!" she gasped, just as Rachael Ray was finishing the final portion of the recipe. However, the damage was already done.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The entire control room gazed at her wide-eyed. The Princess wasn't really known to show that much emotion. She coughed gingerly with an embarrassed smile at this, quickly regaining her composure. "I mean, can you change it back please?"

Archer threw her a sheepish grin while Longbow narrowed his eyes at him. A new broadcast was playing on screen where a man clad in a leather jacket and equipped with a large weapon that somewhat resembled an Equestrian army rotary machine-gun (without the wheels) was currently sending hell down upon a number of metal boxes about the size of horse carriages.

Luna's eyes widened like a school girl's upon viewing this.

"Hold on, not yet!" Luna ordered, earning her a glare from her sister.

Archer glanced between the two, trying desperately to decide which one was better to not piss off. Eventually, he went with Luna. You know, the one who's anger turned her into Nightmare Moon a thousand years ago?

Meanwhile, the carnage on screen continued. Other aliens who wore uniforms that resembled Equestrian police officers were scurrying away from the metal boxes as they began detonating in large explosions.

"I'm not sure what I'm watching..." Luna said quietly. "But this is awesome." She then blushed slightly. "And my word that alien with the gun is ... strangely attractive."

Archer cocked an eyebrow at that.

Eventually, the alien in question switched weapons. This new one being a small, black tube that fired an explosive shell of doom that seemed to bring about even larger explosions than before. Luna's eyes were now wide and shimmering in delight.

"Ooooooooohhhhhh..." she oozed, mesmerized.

Unfortunately, a second later the carnage ended.

_"Terminator 2 will return after these brief messages here on CBS! A family channel."_

"Awwwwwwwwww," Luna frowned. "How long do these 'messages' generally last?"

"We're not sure ma'm, we've just changed frequencies whenever they've come on," Longbow said.

As they spoke, a crazed looking alien was busy using what seemed to be a yellow towel to clean up various messes atop a counter he stood by.

_"ShamWOW can be used for all sorts of things!"_ he proclaimed. _"Nosebleed?! Clean it with ShamWOW! Dog take a piss on your car tire again? ShamWOW will make it as good as new!"_ He proclaimed in a bombastic, annoying tone.

"It's a towel," Luna deadpanned.

"Don't they all just look so adorable, though?" Hawkeye said with a ginger smile and shimmering eyes.

Archer would have to agree. For some reason, these creatures were nearly as cute as baby bunnies to his pony eyes. In the meantime, the ShamWOW infomercial went on and on...

"_Made in Germany, cus you know the Germans always make good things!"_

And on...

"Ugggggh, how long is this going to last?" Luna groaned.

"_It's shamtastic! WOWastic! I'm definitely not spaztic!_"

And on...

"Seriously?!" Luna said, her right eye beginning to twitch.

"_Blah blah blah blah blah buy ShamWOW if you want your children to live!_"

And-

"**JUST GIVE ME BACK MY VIOLENT GOODNESS, TELEVISION DRONE!**" Luna finally roared at the monitor in her Royal Canterlot voice, her eyes flickering to a pure _**black**_.

Holy shit.

"_Seriously, buy ShamWOW or you're going to die! This isn't a joke."_

"**YOU DARE CHALLENGE ME?! I WILL MAKE YOU BOW TO THE NIGHT, FOALISH ALIEN MORTAL! I WILL BECOME A BLIGHT UPON YOUR LAND, AND EVERYTHING AROUND YOU SHALL WHITHER AND DIE!.!.!.!**"

Archer and Hawkeye sweat-dropped, silently backing away from the Lord of the Night.

The ShamWOW drone's eyes narrowed, his voice suddenly becoming heavily distorted. "_Do you seriously think you can fuck with ShamWOW? This world is ours. We have been here since the wheel and the fire."_

A brief image of a different humanoid, this one with craters for eyes on a disproportionately large head to its suited body, flickered on the screen.

"_When the last ShamWOW is bought, __**SILENCE WILL FALL!**__ Buy ShamWOW"_

* * *

Hundreds of miles away in Ponyville, Doctor Whooves shot up out of his double-bed with a startle, sweat cascading from his brow.

"Something terrible is going to happen," he whispered, trembling with fear.

"Mmmmm... are we having mornsies, Doctor?" Ditzy giggled groggily, laying next to him.

"NOT THAT, DITZY!"

* * *

"**NEVER!.!.!**" Luna hissed. "**INSTEAD OF DARK LORDS YOU WOULD HAVE A QUEEN, NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN-"**

"Sister, have you been attending your anger management courses?" Celestia asked, cocking an eyebrow Luna's way. In the meantime, the entire control team were huddling in the corner in shivering mass of ponies.

Finally snapping out of it and composing herself, Luna shot them all an apologetic, 'please don't be afraid of me' smile. "Ehehehehe. I mean, I do hope dearly they bring back this 'Terminator' sometime soon." Her eyes narrowed menacingly. "Very soon..."

Archer sighed in relief. Apparently he had made the right choice. With that, they all made their way back to their usual spots, occasionally glancing nervously Luna's way.

The ShamWOW maniac (his voice back to normal) then proceeded to try to absorb a small amount of spilled soda (that he spilled) from a sample carpet with his yellow towel. He then began to ring it out over a small container, producing a FLOOD of the same liquid that cascaded from the cloth._ "It acts like a vacuum, and look at this, virtually dry on the bottom! ShamWOW you'll be sayin' wow every time!"_

Bullseye immediately cocked an eyebrow at this.

"The private would like to say there's no way that he poured that much soda onto that carpet. The private sees through this alien scam and will not purchase ShamWOW in the future!"

Hawkeye gazed at him with an exasperated expression. "It's an alien product!"

"Score one for the equine race, then!" Longbow announced. "Good work seeing through their bullcrap, private!"

"Hoorah!" both said in unison.

Archer and Hawkeye shook their heads in disbelief, though the latter quickly glanced back at the monitor. "Hm, we probably shouldn't have changed so much before, these 'messages' could provide valuable insights on their culture." He then paused, wincing slightly. "Well, maybe not this message."

"Hmmm... how about a bit more of that cooking show first?" Celestia said with an anticipating smile.

Archer rolled his eyes (though he made sure Celestia couldn't see it) before complying. "You know; I heard the princess had a sweet tooth but this is ridiculous," he whispered to Hawkeye.

"Oh just let her have her fun," Hawkeye said in response.

With that, Archer switched back to Rachael Ray's channel. Unfortunately, all that was showing were scrawling credits that shared the screen with an advertisement._ "Next up on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives! Guy Fieri gets food poisoning at a diner in a backwater Alabama town when he forgets to check the health-code labeling!"_

"My word. He has a fabulous mane too!" Straight Arrow announced, glancing at who appeared to be Guy Fieri as he puked into a waste basket, occasionally taking breaks to yell bleeped-out obscenities.

Celestia glanced to the side, disappointed. "Hmmm, this one doesn't seem to be as good. I hope the previous show was recorded, though." She then glanced towards Luna. "What do you think sister? Are these creatures worthy of further review?"

Archer cocked an eyebrow. For some reason, he could detect a bit of... fakeness in her tone? As if she already knew the answer to this question.

"Indeed, Tia. I believe this is true."

Celestia then turned towards Longbow. "I want you to keep tabs on these alien transmissions and record as much as you can. Have them sent to me every week. In the meantime, I'm going to take whatever you already have back to Canterlot for immediate review." She then smirked. "I have to say though, what we've seen so far is very... entertaining. Despite the alien nature of these broadcasts, I believe the rest of Equestria might find them amusing." She then raised a hoof. "I do want all recordings of that first show gathered now though, please."

* * *

A reverse-shooting star that was Equestria's only recordings of Jersey Shore flew from the communications station and ripped through Trinity's atmosphere. At twice the speed of sound, they entered high orbit and began barreling towards the moon. There they would remain in bits and pieces for the next thousand years until sun glasses wearing and spikey-haired eldritch abominations would repair them and aid in their escape. However, that's a tale for another day.

* * *

"Was that even remotely necessary?" Luna asked with a smirk, her standing with her sister outside of the communications station.

Celestia narrowed her eyes, her horn still glowing from the epic telekinetic blast she just performed. "It was the only way to be sure."

She then turned towards Private Archer and Sergeant Longbow who stood near her chariot ready to see her off. "You and your team have done fine work bringing this station online. Despite my previous order, I still want you to keep careful tabs on the Arachne nation and put retrieving information on these aliens as a second priority."

"Yes ma'm! We'll keep ease-dropping on those pansy spider freaks as our top task! In fact, we'll get to it right now!" a gungho Longbow shouted.

Celestia nodded with an approving smile as she and her sister entered the chariot.

"Farewell then, noble soldiers of the borderlands!" Luna beamed.

Archer smiled her way as both him and Longbow saluted. "Farewell," he responded as their chariot took off and began flying North. He then turned towards Sergeant Longbow. "Want to go watch more Jersey Shore?"

"Did you even need to ask?" Sergeant Longbow said. The two then put on giddy smiles and pranced back to the monitoring station.

"Snookie is best Jersian, by the way."

"Do I need to go Commander Hurricane on your ass, private? Situation is clearly best Jersian."


End file.
